


Issues

by Bearnard



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-25 01:13:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20368189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearnard/pseuds/Bearnard





	1. Issues

I've got hate issues  
and I know I hate myself  
and I know I'm not to blame  
you don't have to tell me that  
I know I'm not insane  
and I couldn't hate you too  
it just wouldn't taste the same.

I've got rage issues  
but this copper in my blood  
as it's running down my chin  
is like water to the flame  
of the anger I'm trapped in  
and I'm tired but can't stop  
cause I have to sink or swim. 

I've got lonely issues  
cuz growing up as teenagers  
we learn a vital truth  
it's that no one knows how you feel  
and no one feels like you  
but no one sympathizes  
because they all feel that too.

I've got trust issues  
because every promise ever made  
was always made to me in vain  
and every time you broke your word  
it was always me to blame  
now I know that I'm not innocent  
but we are not the same. 

I've got love issues  
because I swear I love the world  
but I really loath myself  
I've got compassion for these strangers  
but put myself upon a shelf  
I promise I won't end it  
this is not a cry for help.


	2. New Things

I hate new things.   
Because for me it always meant that you would lose things.   
And when you lose things it's normally because you go through things.   
Going through things makes people wanna make you do things.   
Like, lay-on-this-couch-and-tell-me-why-you're-blue things.   
Doc, why the fuck would you say I blew things?!

Like I missed my last chance to say goodbye and I don't know if we'll ever meet again and I can't show regret so I have to hide as I drown in my own tears!!

I've never said that out loud before  
That's a new thing. 

I fucking hate new things.


	3. Forever Five

I'm five when my sister dies  
And I know  
it's your daughter too  
But I'm five, You're an adult dude.

I'm five  
You tell me you'll be back  
And even though you're not my father  
I say ok dad

I'm five  
And looking for someone to love  
And my mother broke like you did  
She's not nearly enough

I'm five  
And very much alive  
But you don't want to hear it  
What do I know? I'm only five!

I'm 30 something  
And I think of you from time to time  
But every time you come across my mind  
I'm still only five.

I've got my own kids  
Too soon they'll be five  
I hope I don't leave them like you left me  
Stuck forever at five.


	4. Bike Ride

When my second sister died I stole her nurse's bike. I was ten. In a lot of ways I'm still trying to find my way home.  
Peddle.   
It wasn't even noon but they'd already turned off all the street lights.  
Peddle.  
Didn't they know how dark it was that day?   
Peddle.  
Didn't the sun go out for everyone?  
PEDDLE.  
Wasn't the moon just a dead chunk of rock crashing down slowly, dark and unforgiving without that sun?  
PEDDLE.  
Weren't all our hearts just pieces of that moon?  
peddle.  
Dead, dark, unforgiving rocks just crashing slowly.  
Brakes.  
*where am i?*


	5. You In Me

I'm terrified of becoming just like you  
even though everyone says that I won't   
but you see it's your face that I see in my face every time I start to lose control.

And when the moment's passed I know  
it's not truly how I am and what I want  
but I scream and yell and bend and break and rip and tear and taunt.

And your impotent rage floods  
and fills everything that I am  
and it's the you in me that they all see  
when you take control again.


	6. Anger Issues

I've got anger issues, but I'm working on that.   
I've got watched-two-sisters-die and my-daddy-was-a-rapist issues, but y'all don't want to hear it. I pass you on the street and you say "How's it going?" but don't wait for an answer. Your eyes glaze when they meet mine and for an instant I hope you see my sadness. Then you're on to the next faceless member of the crowd. I hold myself responsible because I shut down first. Because what I needed was too much for my age, too much for me. Because it was easier to just forget than to overcome.   
I've got anger issues, but I'm working on that. I've got the-rain-of-depression and the-reign-of-repression have become my definition issues but you can't see that. I've covered over the cold dark pit with concrete and scratched hopscotch into it so we can all play with my emotions like they played with me. I make you laugh and smile and cry so much that you can't even see how broken I am, even though I just really want to be seen.   
I've got anger issues, and I'm working on that...


	7. Coffee Breakdown

I haven't had a cup of coffee in months because when I pour a cup of coffee I can still smell Grandma's house with cigarette and pipe tobacco smoke hanging off the air like a lazy hazy snake and just behind all that smoke you can smell the food because something's always cooking and it might not be ribeye but nobody's going hungry with 50 hot dogs and grilled cheese for days and I know I never went to see her enough even though her door was always open because what's days and weeks when we've been conditioned to see years and when time runs out and the last light's snuffed it all happens in an instant and we definitely didn't see that coming and I know I'm the only one to blame wow I know this is the longest sentence you've ever read but I haven't had a cup of coffee in months...


	8. A Little Something

Just a little something  
Five foot maybe  
Full of fire, tough as nails  
But always enough room left  
For just a little something

She let me be her grandson too  
Even though it was just my brother  
Small child, eyes full of wonder  
Never just a tag along  
It was just a little something.

They all loved tuna  
Odd thing to remember  
I hated it, they made me PB &J  
I could eat what I liked  
That's just a little something.

Through the years she was there  
No matter how far I sank  
Drowning in drugs, drowning in drink  
She'd tell me she loved me  
Just a little something.

I'm clean now  
I'm raising my kids  
Let them eat they want, tell them I love them  
It's not much I know  
Just a little something

She was so much more than just a little something.


End file.
